Reflect
by illyna
Summary: Fujin reflects on her past


Reflect  
______________________  
Look into the mirror,  
Who's inside it?  
_________________________  
The slender pale hand reached blindly for the hairbrush perched precariously on the edge of sink. Its owner ignored its actions, too concerned with staring deeply into the tiny, grubby mirror that was thumbtacked above it. The dim light cast from a single unshaded bulb hanging from the centre of the ceiling, made dark shadows grow across plains of face where they should really exist. Skin looked sallow, eyes tired, and mouth downturned in private distaste at the view.  
  
The groping hand missed its mark, and the brush went falling, crashing to the floor. Unmoved by the sudden noise, the girl merely placed her palm flat on the cool wall to the left of the mirror. Its partner copied the action, until all body weight was being forced onto the two extended limbs.  
  
Leaning forward further, until her forehead almost touched the glass, she merely observed her facsimile. Then, moving still closer she concentrated on the reaction of her iris to the lack of light. The crimson ring expanded, revealing more of the black hole that was the pupil, as the rays became further obscured.  
  
She watched herself watching herself, being drawn further into the depths of her psyche. The eyes were the windows to the soul. She fell into the darkness of her inner mind. Into memory. Into subconscious. Into daydreams.  
  
Fragments of her life whirled past her; fights, lessons, meals, friends, journeys. The past was an enigma never changing, yet always so. Memories precious, to be grasped at like sand running through her fingers, in her ravaged mind. She tried so desperately to remember, to keep hold of her heritage. Her present was barely tolerable, her future uncertain.  
  
A memory from the depths rose, jolted into view, fully formed. Like to like. Physical reminders were often the best…  
  
***  
  
Pressing her forehead to the cool pane of glass, six-year-old Fujin stared fascinated at the reactions of her eyes to the change in light. She covered one optic, and then the other with her hand, watching the expansion and contraction.  
  
She sat cross-legged on the rough hessian carpet, next to the full-length mirror. Dirty fingers made smudge marks, and condensation formed by her breath made a small misty cloud. She drew in it with a finger, making a flower. It disappeared quickly, as most beauteous things in life soon do.  
  
A silvery peal of laughter interrupted her contemplation.  
  
"What are you up to? You're in your own little world again aren't you Fujin?"  
  
The voice reached down to her from altitude. Fujin tilted back her head to see the woman that spoke.  
  
Following Matron around was one of Fujin's favourite pastimes since being placed in the orphanage. She didn't play well with the other children… or rather they didn't want to play with her. She was alien to them. Different, both in attitude and visage. They called her a freak, an idiot, a devil to her face. They shunned her from their games.  
  
Matron didn't seem to mind Fujin following her though. And to Fujin, Matron was the nicest and most beautiful person in the entire world. After all, she was kind to Fujin.  
  
Fujin often amused herself with no more than her own mind. Daydreams, fairytales… in her head she could be anyone. Go anywhere. Play with anything she wanted. She never felt she lacked from not having the friendship of her peers. As she saw it, it was their loss. It didn't make the hurtful remarks and constant rejection any easier though.  
  
But just recently… a new boy, blond haired and arrogant, had joined the orphanage. He seemed somewhat different to all the rest. Older perhaps. More brooding, less judgmental.  
  
He was also golden. He seemed infused with some kind of magic that irresistibly attracted Fujin. During mealtimes she had managed to manoeuvre herself closer to him. Like a moth to flame she was drawn to his beauty. Infatuated. Obsessed.  
  
Opposites attracted she supposed. He was everything that she wished she could be. She wanted to be his friend.  
  
Through much eavesdropping she had managed to discover that his name was Seifer Almasy, and he was just a little older than she was.  
  
Of course, he never even looked her way. She didn't exist to him. He was impervious to the sly searching looks she directed in his direction. He played with all the popular children. Joined in the games, joking and laughing, and teasing the girls. They in return giggled, and twisted their hair around their fingers in mock bashfulness.  
  
Fujin watched Matron's reflection in the mirror intently. Matron had a look of concentration on her face, as she arranged her hair and put on a little make up.  
  
"Whatcha doing?"  
  
"Making myself beautiful honey. Now run along and play."  
  
***  
  
Fujin jerked her head back from the mirror, biting her lip hard in the process. Her time in the orphanage was not something she liked to dwell on, it had mostly been miserable. The dark patched in those memories never gave her trouble.  
  
But still, unbidden, the images continued to fill her mind with crystal clarity.  
  
She took another involuntary step back; her good eye still transfixed on the reflection contained inside the looking glass. Childish voices seemed to reverberate through the room and in her head.  
  
***  
  
He would notice her this time, Fujin was sure of it! She had made a special effort to impress him, and her work would have to pay off. He would choose her to play with today, out of all the other children in the orphanage, and everyone would be jealous beyond belief.  
  
Slowly, for she suddenly felt unsteady on her feet, she proceeded over the threshold of the doorway, into the main playroom. The rest of them were busy painting on a table at the far side of the hall, with their backs to her.  
  
So much the better! She would make a grand entrance! She would gracefully walk across the room, and tap him on the shoulder…  
  
…But the plan failed, as her feet slid out from under her. Stumbling awkwardly, she fell to the floor. Suddenly a sea of faces assaulted her. They all looked so shocked; she almost grinned in exultation.  
  
And he gasped the widest.  
Then, as the shock of her quick reappearance had worn off, he began to laugh, and point, and gasp for air. The spell broken, soon all the other children joined in. Mocking giggles rang in Fujin's ears, and the chants soon joined them.  
  
He had noticed her. But not in the way she had wanted.   
  
"Look how stupid she looks."  
"What's she done?"  
"She's gonna be in big trouble when Matron sees her."  
"Tellin' on you."  
  
Suddenly her previous invisibility seemed just perfect. What had she done?  
  
Matron was indeed not happy when she brought Fujin into her study a few moments later. She surveyed the girl, who stood sagging slightly in front of her. She didn't seem proud of her action. She seemed broken. The rest of the children had not been kind in their acquittal.  
  
"Why did you do it Fujin? You know that those things were not yours."  
  
Fujin raised her head, scarlet eyes swimming with tears, hidden behind a curtain of white.  
  
"I wanted to be beautiful…like you"  
  
Matron surveyed the scene. The tiny, pale girl was dressed in a sequinned evening gown, several sizes too big, which hung off her like a sack, and pair of dangerously high shoes. Her face was smeared with a layer of makeup. Fujin's bottom lip trembled.  
  
"For him," she continued quaveringly.  
  
Matron understood finally. She merely nodded at the girl, and smiled a sad slow smile.  
  
***  
  
Fujin stood in front of the mirror, tears running freely down her cheek, and dripping into the sink.  
  
It was always the same. Trying to fit in. Trying to get noticed. Trying to gain beauty and happiness. Trying to make him see.  
  
But her appearance betrayed her every time. Imperfection on imperfection made her immune to the everyday world.  
  
The mirror broke easily under her fist, shattering into thousands of shards, each reflecting back at her, mockingly. Blood dripped through her clenched fingers.  
  
But Fujin could deal with the pain.  
  
It was all that she has ever known.  
  
The End.  
  
________________________________  
  
  
Hi all. I know it's been a while since I wrote anything, but life's been hectic. So here s just a little something I wrote to help me get started again.  
  
Lyrics are from Unpretty by TLC.  
  
Illyna rules the world, Squaresoft all the rest! Reviews please, they make a poor student smile on rainy mornings.  



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